HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Since my grandmother passed away, I haven’t felt much like celebrating the holidays. But a new city requires a new outlook on life. Therefore, in order to celebrate the Winter Solstice, I will be closing down the office (so to speak) until the New Year arrives. I’ve purchased a dozen cupcakes from a local bakery and will be driving out to the high desert to do a little research (nothing relaxes me more than working) and stargazing. I will be searching for some petroglyphs that may shed some light on early tzombi migration patterns in the state of California (long before it was officially a state, obviously).

In any case, happy holidays to all my faithful Readers. See you in the New Year!!

Rodrigo

R428: Virus or Genetic Mutation?

I’d like to address, more firmly, this idea of R428. I understand that certain readers have been brainwashed by the establishment, as evidenced in this comment left by a concerned citizen:

Are you a scientist? Because I trust SCIENCE. Not science fiction. If those doctors say that zombies are created by contracting R428, then we should f*cking study R428! Are you out of your mind? We need a vaccine now! We need funding NOW. I suppose you think AIDS might be caused by sucking moldy lollipops or something. What possible reason would the Academic Institutions have for cooking up some half-baked theory? R428 is a REALITY. Your “theories” are nothing short of treasonous.

Reader, this is what they’d like you to believe. Those in the Academic establishment are resistant to the idea of the Tzombi as a race because it would mean they’d have to adjust their thinking. As a result, they have attempted to pathologize the Tzombi to deprive them of racehood. What they won’t admit to is this: there are several theories currently in play regarding the origins of the Tzombi. I will repeat: the theory with which I choose to align myself, because it is the most scientifically plausible and is the most well-documented in text, is that which speculates that Tzombism is the result of genetic mutation on the order of standard evolution.

A Clarification on the Notion of the R428 Virus

I would like to make it clear to my Readers that I do currently align myself with the position that PMMS is not caused by a virus, but is rather a genetic trait of a particular race. Of course, I am open to data that would alter this option, but none has been forthcoming. I am also open to working with a certified institution to call this data into question.

Earlier this year, the CSLD at CCD made an important step in parting ways with a Dr. Gloria Reynolds, who was an adamant proponent of the notion of R428 (she is now conducting her own research, God knows how she retains her funding). Alas, that’s as far as they went. Perhaps if I had joined the department, I could have contributed to a new direction for the research (I may re-start a letter campaign to see if I might make that idea a reality).

In any case, it’s clear that the Academic/Scientific cabal would prefer to continue to marginalize the Tzombi community by claiming their differentness is merely the result of a disease; furthermore, an article in Hippokratika clearly proved that the R428 “virus”, which is unlike anything we’ve seen thus far, actually has some of the properties of an antibody. It is also possible that the Tzombi are simply more susceptible to R428 — there are several precedents for this argument — Human Papilloma Virus affects European women more than others, for example, and Respiratory Syncytial Virus affects American Indians to a particularly high degree.

Therefore I maintain that the fact that they carry the virus does not prove that the virus causes their condition.

The Transition to a Tzombi State

I have had several questions from readers regarding basic biological facts about the Tzombi population, namely how they come into existence and sustain a presence in the world.

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this is controversial subject matter. I, myself, am not a formally trained biologist or anthropologist, but I will do my best to explain.

As I have noted in past entries, Tzombi individuals have a condition known as Post Mortem Mobility Syndrome (PMMS). The syndrome is characterized by a technical “death” (cessation of normal respiratory, lymphatic, reproductive, and circulatory system function); an altered nervous, endocrine, and digestive system; a post-mortem consciousness and mental facility of varying degree.

Studies have shown that this syndrome is also characterized by the violent death of a human being – a death that involves an excess of adrenaline production, which in turn activates a dormant substance dubbed R428 – and the subsequent reanimation of that deceased human (in a period of 2 to 48 hours). The R428 then assumes control of the nervous system and establishes a baseline brain function, which in turn stimulates the skeletal, muscular and endocrine systems.

Mental faculties vary greatly; the modern classification for the levels of this brain function (established by the CSLD) are high-functioning, low-functioning, and feral.

In short, human beings transition into a tzombi state (via PMMS) by two means 1) they contract R428 by natural causes or 2) they contract it via blood to mucus contact in certain tzombi-human relations.

How people contract this R428 substance by natural causes is still a scientific puzzle. My own theories tilt towards a genetic evolution, but other theories assign blame to a virus or airborne pathogen.

(There is also a segment of certain fringe political communities that insist R428 is a government experiment gone awry, but I think my extensive historical timeline neatly puts that ill-conceived theory to bed. Even if, in fact, the government had somehow recreated an earlier genetic marker that resulted in the birth of a Tzombi population, I highly doubt it would bear any resemblance to the scenario outlined in the internet conspiracy film, UNCHAINED CONSEQUENCES)

Where the controversy arises, as you can imagine, is in the labeling of this R428 substance as a VIRUS, which in turn identifies it into a pathology. Classifying R428 as a disease is a slippery slope and is something that most certainly is used to discriminate against the Tzombi population on a variety of topics (as it has been for centuries). If we continue to treat the Tzombi population as something that could potentially be “cured,” are we not stripping away a piece of our own humanity?

Flying Sharp-Toothed Vermin

For faithful readers of the blog (of which there are many, and I deeply thank you for your continued interest), I don't think the following picture (from today's edition of the NYTimes) requires any further explanation. Let me just say that while this particular image is an "imagining" of a mammal recently thought to have inhabited the earth many years ago, there is no question in my mind that these (chewing) creatures are responsible for the new holes in my ceiling:

From Here to Greenland and Back

I’m happy to report that J. has been out of the office for several days with a sinus infection; therefore we’ve all been enjoying a wonderfully cool workplace. What a difference! I’ve realized that seventy-five degrees is simply too high a temperature for serious thought of the sort my research requires (what shall be done when J. returns is a matter for another day).

One needs only look at a list of world literatures and compare the vast bodies of literature of colder climates with the scant literature of the equatorial zones for an illustration of this. There is also evidence that Tzombi flourish in colder zones —because one of the characteristics of PMMS is a cessation of the bodily functions we associate with everyday life, they also have an inability to sweat, which makes life in the warmest climates unbearable, and which may provide another possible reason the Drunken Monkeys of Palau headed into the caves of Mt. Tmerou.

Of course, this brings up an interesting question: why do the Tzombi seem to flourish in a mild climate like that of Los Angeles?

But there is simply no disputing that one of the most successful Tzombi colonies was the one which flourished in Greenland for almost 400 years. In 986 A.D., Erik the Red set sail from Iceland to Greenland with an armada of 25 ships, only fourteen of which reached their destination. A ship’s log, frozen in a block of sea-ice, was later recovered by the colonists and copied verbatim into the Konungs Skuggsja, the “King’s Mirror” of 1250:

13 August. Events of the day brought dire circumstance; owing to dearth of provisions and uneasiness of spirit, Thorvald Thorvalsson, called the fat, endeavored to hoard what remained of the salt cod, upon which Eyjolf Ulfsson drew his knife and slashed the greedy limb, which action divided the men, and resulted in seven deaths from knife-wound. The bodies of the dead were thrown over the side of the boat, and number thus: Thorvald Thorvaldsson, Eyjolf Ulfsson, Sigurd Vifilsson, Saemond Saur, Thorvald Krakuson, Ingolf Thorbjornsson, and Gudrid Sigmundsdottir.

Though the ship never made it to Greenland, it appears some of the bodies did. Adam of Bremen, writing in his Gesta Hammaburgensis ecclesiae pontificum, relates the “miracle of Eiriksfjord,” which occurred 97 years after the voyage, when five blocks of ice washed ashore with people “of bygonne dress” frozen inside them. When they were taken ashore for a Christian burial, the “miracle” occurred. Adam of Bremen describes: “Moreover, that the frozen came to life with the rejuvenating fire of Christ is not a fabulous fancy, but from the accounts of those present we know to be a fact.”

Though it’s entirely possible that this episode is fabricated -- there were frequent concerns on the mainland that the colonists were “going native,” and an account of a miracle would have assured the mainlanders that the colonists were still in God’s good graces -- we have the corroboration of a bizarre woodcut by Olaus Magnus, which depicts a fat man in outdated dress (possibly Thorvald Thorvaldsson?) frozen in what appears to be a block of ice:


And a closer look here:

Success!

The documentary shoot was a wonderful success. Filmmakers Grace Lee and John Solomon came to the office with open minds and open hearts. I only regret that I didn’t have more time to spend with them; eight hours simply isn’t enough! I had the opportunity to detail quite a lot of Tzombi history and its relation to human civilization.

Ms. Lee did seem to be influenced by an interview she conducted with Dr. Gloria Reynolds; I hope that careful research will leave her no choice but to leave Dr. Reynolds on the cutting-room floor (that’s filmmaking terminology for leaving an interview out of the finished film). I pressed them for information about their interviews at the Center for the Study of the Living Deceased, but they declined to give me details. Something about filmmaker-interviewee privilege.

Most importantly, my office was clean (I hired a lovely woman from the janitorial staff at my temp job) and the power remained on and the mice didn’t show their pointy faces. A follow-up interview may be scheduled for a later date.

My Mind's Been Going Places Without Me Lately

I had the strangest experience last night: I awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of rustling paper and found myself sitting in front of my computer, having added several comments to my blog while asleep. These were of the most innocuous variety -- “good job”, etc. My studies in the History of Consciousness tell me that this must have been some sort of auto-hypnotic wish fulfillment -- we have all experienced the feeling of slipping into a trance while plopped in front of the television -- but I have never experienced this in front of the computer before. There is certainly a difference between this and the studies I did during my travels, which, even at their most sedentary, still involved the retrieval of books and the tactile sensation of flipping through their pages.

Perhaps I’ve been working too hard?

Los Angeles: Not a Wasteland

Contrary to popular opinion, Los Angeles is not the cultural wasteland it is rumored to be. Rather, it is a strangely fractured conglomeration of high and low intellectual pursuits. For instance, as I pass my local coffee shop on the way to the subway each morning, I can’t help but chuckle at the aspiring screenwriters hunched over their computers, toiling (quite admirably) away at something that surely means so little. There are other types of artists here as well, like poets and painters and those clever mimes who paint themselves silver and gold and pop to music on the street corner. And models! Surely they are some type of postmodern-performance artists, contorting their bodies into wisps of nothing for our public entertainment. Amazing!

But aside from trivial creative pursuits (like entertainment or extreme sportz or craft fairs), there are pockets of scientists and historians pursuing their own sorts of creative endeavors (present company included). I’ve attended several fascinating lectures already, and I had nearly secured a place on a panel taking place in a few months. Unfortunately, plans to include the seminar Revelations of a Crypto-Anthropoid Race: The Tzombi and Their Hidden Roles in Civilization in the Getty Series of Distinguished Speakers have fallen through -- no doubt due to the controversial nature of the topic. The letter I received today was not unkind, but carried with it a palpable air of terror. I am certain there are some on the board who are afraid funding will be cut it anything too jarring is presented to the bluehairs and businessmen.

I am still awaiting a response from the Dorothy Chandler lecture series, which I understand to be more accommodating to risky projects. Yet this is indicative of the difficulty of the task I have set for myself—to bring the plight of the Tzombi to the attention of a wider audience.

The Last Golden Age

Good Monday Morning to all!

I spent much of the weekend watching my new DVD set,Decisive Battles of the Ancient World, and thinking about the last Golden Age of the Tzombi, which took place in Greece some 2000 years ago.

I was hoping to delineate a few of the high points of the last Golden Age, which took place in Greece some 2000 years ago.

As the Gray Age came to an end, Tzombi philosophy enjoyed a certain vogue among the intellectual elite. Protagoras spoke of those from different backgrounds as sharing a common humanity. In 442 B.C. Rome there was a movement to abolish a law prohibiting marriage between the Zontanos and the Aperantos. Plato was inspired by staring into caves. Zeno of Citium created Stoicism, inspired by the Tzombi plight.

But the Tzombi didn’t really receive any of the benefits of this patronage. They were still slaves. In 135 – 71 B.C. a series of Tzombi slave revolts in Sicily, Asia Minor, and Rome led to mass destruction of the docile Tzombi race. In 1 B.C. Augustus Caesar passed laws forbidding consorting with the Tzombi.

Has anything really changed for the Tzombi? Here is a piece of anti-Tzombi graffiti I saw on a wall this morning:



When will it all end? When will a new Golden Age begin?

Important Interview on the Horizon

Dear Mr. Weiss,

I came across your blog while doing research for a new documentary I am producing on the zombie community in Los Angeles. My co-director John Solomon and I would love to meet with you to hear more about your research and see if you could contribute something to our film.

I would love to tell you more about the project and perhaps gain some insight into the local population of zombies.

You can reach me at this email, or at XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Very best wishes,

Grace Lee
American Zombie Productions

Good news to report!

Perhaps you’ll remember that I mentioned rumors of a documentary film crew at a Tzombi art show I recently attended. Well, this is a rumor no more. Yesterday, I was asked to participate in an independently produced documentary on the Los Angeles subculture of those exhibiting signs of PMMS (Post-Mortem Mobility Syndrome). As it is part of my mission statement to share my vast wealth of knowledge with others, you can imagine that I’m quite excited about the prospect of being interviewed. This is certainly a sign that this subculture – this “hidden race” – is about to enjoy a high profile. We have scheduled a date for later in the month, so I’ll let you know how it goes.

An Open Letter to the Person Who Tried to Burn Down My Apartment Building This Morning

Dear Troubled Soul:

I awoke this morning to the smell of burning phone books and Rite-Aid advertisements. Lo and behold, it turns out you built a tower of broken chairs, cardboard boxes and recyclable papers in our laundry room and struck a match. Please believe me when I tell you that I understand the frustration that one can feel as a marginalized member of society. But lighting a building on fire is not the answer. More specifically, destroying perfectly nice washing machines and dryers is simply a waste of precious resources. Perhaps next time, you’ll take a cue from our Tzombi friends and stage an orderly protest or create an inspirational piece of art. True self-expression rarely involves arson.

Please seek help.

Your friend,


Rodrigo