I awoke this morning to the smell of burning phone books and Rite-Aid advertisements. Lo and behold, it turns out you built a tower of broken chairs, cardboard boxes and recyclable papers in our laundry room and struck a match. Please believe me when I tell you that I understand the frustration that one can feel as a marginalized member of society. But lighting a building on fire is not the answer. More specifically, destroying perfectly nice washing machines and dryers is simply a waste of precious resources. Perhaps next time, you’ll take a cue from our Tzombi friends and stage an orderly protest or create an inspirational piece of art. True self-expression rarely involves arson.
Please seek help.
Your friend,
Rodrigo
4 comments:
Mr. Weiss,
Your research of Tzombi sociology is both captivating and well founded in academic and cultural specifics. Not withstanding the occassional digression into appliance arsonry, I have found great satisfaction in the information presented. I am anxiously awaiting, however, the labeling of those who propegate the villany of Tzombi. These thoughtless pedagogues reduce Tzombi's indellible mark upon world history to strings of bumbling low budget horror movies and a utilization of the word "zombie" in vague negative connotations.
Might I suggest an active campaign against the Federal Trade Commission? They have created an absurd inquisition against e-mail "spammers" and titled it "Operation Spam Zombies." In conjunction with worldwide government agencies including the Office of Fair Trading (UK), The Ministry of Internal Affairs and Communications (Japan), and the Dutch Telecommunications Regulator, among others, they are wielding their political and economic power to brazenly perpetuate Tzombi hysteria.
Of all people, Mr. Weiss, you seem to be uncommonly suited to this cause. I expect you will soon be feverishly formulating a strategy for destroying this hate-filled, internationally supported ideology.
I look forward to your response.
Robert Mongrain de la Fauntz
Dear Robert--
Your zeal for the cause is much appreciated. The term "zombie" is frequently attached to processes or systems which are considered mindless or emotionless. Of course, we know that the Tzombi frequently suffer from psychological and emotional afflictions ranging from hypersensitivity to megalomania, conditions which are anything but emotionless. I, too, have been guilty of using the term "zombie" (it's in the title of the blog, for instance)--but until the correct spelling can gain a foothold in popular culture we must content ourselves with the fact that the Tzombi are being discussed at all. Consider the conversation I overheard in a Thai restaurant the other night: a teenaged youth and his parents enter, and the youth is wearing a T-shirt which advertises the 1970's film ONE BLACK MUTHA. The mother (not the "mutha") comments that she doesn't know if she should be embarrassed to be seen with her son, but he goes on to explain that ONE BLACK MUTHA was a "black exploitation" movie. (I had not heard of it, by the way.)
MOTHER: Does that mean it exploits blacks?
TEENAGE SON: No...it's just a movie.
MOTHER: But why would they call it black exploitation?
TEENAGE SON: I don't know, that's just what they called it. Like SHAFT, of SUPERFLY.
MOTHER: Oh, I liked SHAFT. That was with George Foreman.
TEENAGE SON: Yeah, like that.
MOTHER: Well, I guess that's good, because I remember a lot of white people going to see SHAFT.
The grating ignorance of these dullards notwithstanding, their conversation does demonstrate that some elements of African-American culture were able to penetrate even the thickest of skulls.
Doing this blog has taught me that we must be content that the prominence of "zombie" movies creates an interest, which we can then exploit to re-educate the populace. Perhaps it's time to recruit an army of Tzombi spammers and flood the e-mail boxes of the OFT, the MIAC, and the DTR!
I see. Any attention is good, eh?
Were you beaten as a child, Mr. Weiss? Has your own ineffectual upbringing made you so incapable of discerning positive reinforcement from destructive behavior that you propelled yourself into the study of a culture mischaracterized by the same level of non-emotion presented to you by your own parents?
I am appalled. Like most academics, you are all fluff, no action. I will continue to monitor this site as a psychological case study only.
P.S. If Zoinky can't recognize a simple reference to Strabo, perhaps he should head back to the Anne Rice blog from which he came.
Doubtless, no one is more disgusted by the offensive portrayal of the Tzombi in the media than myself; however, history teaches us that a Dark Age is generally followed by a period of Emergence. The signs of the Dark Age are all around us--I am working to effect the long hoped-for Emergence. Can you say the same, Mr. de la Fauntz?
Let's not let petty differences divide us--we're on the same side!
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